I just went for a walk by the river, because, for the first time in a couple of weeks, it's not too cold to do that. when I finished the walk and came up to street level, I felt so good...whenever that happens, I feel like a big dolt, because I remember that so much of one's mood depends on brain chemistry, on the proper level of seratonin reaching the brain, and balancing that out is so often a simple matter of increasing the heart rate for a little while. sometimes I get the distinct feeling that I've felt like shit for a few weeks simply because I refused to spend a few 30 minute periods moving my ass. and it's not like it's even hard. I love it when I'm doing it, if I have good music with me then power walking is a treat rather than a chore. but for some reason it is so flipping hard half the time to make myself do it. and then I know it's not actually that simple. sometimes I really am in a shitty mood due to circumstance rather than brain chemistry. but if I could manage to maintain the proper level of activity, it would make everything else easier to deal with. it would raise the bar, so that when I felt good I would feel effing amazing, and when I felt terrible the terrible would be less. I know this, because I've been there before. and I have four months left here to get back in the habit. I don't doubt that I'll do it, either, so it's just a matter of trudging through the time until the weather allows it. I'm already in the habit of doing weights, crunches and toning three or four nights a week, which is definitely more than I was doing in new york.
I am settling in here. it's a quiet life that I'm living, and I like it. I realize that I need it. tricia and I keep talking about how old we feel, and it's true, in a way I do feel old. virtually no drama, coming home right after work most nights to cook a healthy meal and watch house and e.r. and s.v.u. and do my workouts. doing laundry sometimes twice a week as opposed to twice a month like I did in new york. having a grown up job. I don't want to feel this settled for too long, I still want some excitement in my life, but for now it's a really nice contrast. my life here feels small and manageable and very much within my control. it's giving me the opportunity to think back on everything that's happened in the last...well, pretty much everything that's happened over my entire life. I think so many people end up killing themselves or o.d.'ing between 25 and 30 because it's a time where a pretty huge chunk of your life suddenly falls into the past, and if you don't have a solid foundation within yourself then you can't deal with that. it's hard to describe it, and maybe it isn't this way for everyone, but I feel like this is the first time I'm really realizing that nothing is ever going to go backwards. when you're in your early twenties you start going out and doing these things to move your life forward, but somewhere in your mind you always think that if things don't work, you'll be able to go back to things the way they were, to go home again, so to speak. there is a part of you that approaches each major change like an experiment done safely in a high school chemistry lab. but what you don't realize is that these experiments affect and change you, and those changes are often irrevocable. and everyone around you is changing too. that's not a negative thing. on the contrary, it's absolutely necessary. but there comes a point in your late twenties when, for one reason or another, you have cause to step back and take a look at all the changes. you see all of the people that have come and gone. all of the ties that you or other people have severed or simply left to fray. all of the old and new ties still intact that stretch you in opposite directions. you think back on your childhood years, and even your teenage years, and realize that, though your memories aren't necessarily fading, they have ceased to feel as immediate. once you could reach back and touch them, dip a glass into the joy and pain and sip them and roll them around on your tongue. now instead you read them, with the relative level of detachment with which you would approach an especially familiar and poignant and novel. this isn't detachment at all, not the way one would commonly define it. but compared with the former sharpness of your memories, it is.
this all feels very heavy, and sometimes very sad, and on top of it all it seems that many of us have managed to reach this point of crisis with absolutely no idea what is coming next. some of us just didn't plan. some of us had plans that fell through. some succeeded with their plan, but it was absolutely nothing like what they imagined. for most of us, it's a combination of all of those things. with all of these factors combined, it's no wonder that some people don't make it past 30. I am lucky enough to have spent the years leading up to now honing and cultivating my tendency toward introspection and my ability to understand my own psyche, so that allows me to see this whole process from an objective viewpoint at the same time that I experience it on a very real level. also, I am blessed with a lot of very supportive people in my life, and with the ability to recognize and appreciate that fact. but I imagine going through this time of life if I lacked both of those things, or even one of them, and I understand how jack and others (recently brad renfro and heath ledger) became casualties. I'd think it was a generational thing, except that this phenomenon of people dying in their late twenties has been around at least since the sixties, and I'd imagine before that. it's so sad, because it seems obvious to me that if I hold out and make it through this time (while also embracing and appreciating the oportunity for reflection), then I'll be able to enter the next phase of my life even stronger. I wish that the people who didn't make it could have realized that.
on a lighter note, I got paid today, my first full paycheck, and I walked around in a little bit of shock for about a half hour after going to the bank and seeing my balance. I have enough money in my bank account to live comfortably for the next month and also to buy some things. I can buy a digital camera. I can buy new glasses. I can pay tricia back. I can buy new shoes. I can do those things and still have enough to buy the proper toiletries and buy healthy food, and I can still save money for when I leave korea. and this is going to happen once a month, this much money going into my account, for the next four months. it's hard to process when I've spent the last few years living pretty much completely hand to mouth.
there is the fact that none of it should technically be my money since I owe it all to various debts, but there's nothing I can do about that until I get back to the u.s. and when I do, I'm going to go for financial counseling. I'm actually hoping that they'll advise me to file for bankruptcy. I'll have enouch money to pay for the proceedings, and it would be the relief of a lifetime to get rid of those debts in one fell swoop. we'll see.
I've also decided that I want two masters degrees. I want the degree in counseling *and* I want the m.f.a. for reasons of practicality I realize that I should get the degree in counseling first, because that's the one that will actually allow me to possibly make some money. then maybe I will be able to pay for an m.f.a. myself. we'll see. but that's what I want. I want them both.
I am settling in here. it's a quiet life that I'm living, and I like it. I realize that I need it. tricia and I keep talking about how old we feel, and it's true, in a way I do feel old. virtually no drama, coming home right after work most nights to cook a healthy meal and watch house and e.r. and s.v.u. and do my workouts. doing laundry sometimes twice a week as opposed to twice a month like I did in new york. having a grown up job. I don't want to feel this settled for too long, I still want some excitement in my life, but for now it's a really nice contrast. my life here feels small and manageable and very much within my control. it's giving me the opportunity to think back on everything that's happened in the last...well, pretty much everything that's happened over my entire life. I think so many people end up killing themselves or o.d.'ing between 25 and 30 because it's a time where a pretty huge chunk of your life suddenly falls into the past, and if you don't have a solid foundation within yourself then you can't deal with that. it's hard to describe it, and maybe it isn't this way for everyone, but I feel like this is the first time I'm really realizing that nothing is ever going to go backwards. when you're in your early twenties you start going out and doing these things to move your life forward, but somewhere in your mind you always think that if things don't work, you'll be able to go back to things the way they were, to go home again, so to speak. there is a part of you that approaches each major change like an experiment done safely in a high school chemistry lab. but what you don't realize is that these experiments affect and change you, and those changes are often irrevocable. and everyone around you is changing too. that's not a negative thing. on the contrary, it's absolutely necessary. but there comes a point in your late twenties when, for one reason or another, you have cause to step back and take a look at all the changes. you see all of the people that have come and gone. all of the ties that you or other people have severed or simply left to fray. all of the old and new ties still intact that stretch you in opposite directions. you think back on your childhood years, and even your teenage years, and realize that, though your memories aren't necessarily fading, they have ceased to feel as immediate. once you could reach back and touch them, dip a glass into the joy and pain and sip them and roll them around on your tongue. now instead you read them, with the relative level of detachment with which you would approach an especially familiar and poignant and novel. this isn't detachment at all, not the way one would commonly define it. but compared with the former sharpness of your memories, it is.
this all feels very heavy, and sometimes very sad, and on top of it all it seems that many of us have managed to reach this point of crisis with absolutely no idea what is coming next. some of us just didn't plan. some of us had plans that fell through. some succeeded with their plan, but it was absolutely nothing like what they imagined. for most of us, it's a combination of all of those things. with all of these factors combined, it's no wonder that some people don't make it past 30. I am lucky enough to have spent the years leading up to now honing and cultivating my tendency toward introspection and my ability to understand my own psyche, so that allows me to see this whole process from an objective viewpoint at the same time that I experience it on a very real level. also, I am blessed with a lot of very supportive people in my life, and with the ability to recognize and appreciate that fact. but I imagine going through this time of life if I lacked both of those things, or even one of them, and I understand how jack and others (recently brad renfro and heath ledger) became casualties. I'd think it was a generational thing, except that this phenomenon of people dying in their late twenties has been around at least since the sixties, and I'd imagine before that. it's so sad, because it seems obvious to me that if I hold out and make it through this time (while also embracing and appreciating the oportunity for reflection), then I'll be able to enter the next phase of my life even stronger. I wish that the people who didn't make it could have realized that.
on a lighter note, I got paid today, my first full paycheck, and I walked around in a little bit of shock for about a half hour after going to the bank and seeing my balance. I have enough money in my bank account to live comfortably for the next month and also to buy some things. I can buy a digital camera. I can buy new glasses. I can pay tricia back. I can buy new shoes. I can do those things and still have enough to buy the proper toiletries and buy healthy food, and I can still save money for when I leave korea. and this is going to happen once a month, this much money going into my account, for the next four months. it's hard to process when I've spent the last few years living pretty much completely hand to mouth.
there is the fact that none of it should technically be my money since I owe it all to various debts, but there's nothing I can do about that until I get back to the u.s. and when I do, I'm going to go for financial counseling. I'm actually hoping that they'll advise me to file for bankruptcy. I'll have enouch money to pay for the proceedings, and it would be the relief of a lifetime to get rid of those debts in one fell swoop. we'll see.
I've also decided that I want two masters degrees. I want the degree in counseling *and* I want the m.f.a. for reasons of practicality I realize that I should get the degree in counseling first, because that's the one that will actually allow me to possibly make some money. then maybe I will be able to pay for an m.f.a. myself. we'll see. but that's what I want. I want them both.
posted by Becca at
4:37 AM
0 Comments
