I recently had an epiphany by which I am both empowered and humbled. if you knew me in 2004/ early 2005, you will remember that I had an almost annoying sense of optimism, at times resembling a girl-shaped self-help book. I had energy, man. so much energy. I attributed this to the events in my life at the time, namely the situation with h.p.e. and my subsequent move to new york. and while those things definitely contributed to making that time in my life so good, I've recently realized that they were only secondary. the thing that really inspired all that energy and optimism and creativity and mental sharpness was something that I could have continued to have, could have hung onto despite the fact that everything turned upside down in july 05...it was exercise. exercise and balanced eating. I'm not joking, and I'm not giving it more credence than it deserves. over the past three weeks I've managed to work myself back into basically the same kind of workout routine and eating plan I had back then (heavy on the fruits and vegetables, lots of whole grains, not too much dairy, minimal meat, sugar and fat, lots of water. not rocket science). and just like that, the curtain has lifted. I'm no longer plagued by morbid thoughts all the time, I don't have trouble falling asleep...I sleep long and well, and wake up refreshed. I no longer desire to lay around my apartment like a limp piece of broccoli all day long...in fact I often can't sit still and go for walks/jogs at night when I planned not to. my dishes and laundry get done because I am bored if I'm not doing something. I'm aware that this is nothing exciting for most people...I simply have the energy to behave like a normal active person. but that's not something that's ever come easily to me, except when I'm working out regularly. I wish I'd seen that correlation more clearly before, and found ways to keep working out during the past two years. that's got to be among my first prioroties when I get back to new york- establishing a regular workout routine.

on a related note, I bought a swimsuit yesterday, in anticipation of michelle's approaching visit and our trip to jejudo...I don't know if it will be warm enough to swim, but I'll be prepared. and if not, it's good for me to own a swimsuit, since it occurred to me after purchasing it that I don't think I've owned one in about ten years. at least six, anyway. my body is certainly not in prime condition, but this suit is designed to camouflage such things. it's cute...blue, with inoffensive flowers. a tankini or whatever, with a skirt. I don't know if the skirt is quite enough coverage, I may purchase some shorts. but basically it's good. I can go in public in it and hold onto my dignity.

I've been listening to my springtime music today...patti smith, television, bowie, velvet underground and nina simone. it was beautiful outside, and I walked around downtown and by the river until my legs nearly gave out. tonight will be wine and phone calls.

it seems I may have filed a tax return last year withiout realizing that I was doing so. on the one hand, this is good. it means that I did not dodge the irs for a year, as I had thought. however, I also never recieved a refund, nor did I ever pay the taxes that I owed to new york state, or recieve a bill for them. the things is, I completed the return through turbotax's online program, found out that I owed new york $200+ (which would have pretty much eaten up the $335 refund I was due), and promptly filed an extension. I then forgot about it, and never filed, or so I thought. now, being that it's time to file 2007 taxes and I am in a foreign country and I don't even know where my w2s were sent, I figure that it's time to tackle all of these things. so I sign in to turbotax, thinking that I will at least go ahead and file my 2006 return. when I pull up the pdf file and read through it, it appears that I did indeed file the return. but when I go to the irs site to check the status (since I never recieved a check), it says "we cannot provide any information about this return." not that they don't have it, just that they can't tell me if a check was ever mailed or where it was mailed or anything. so I suppose I am going to have to buy a calling card and waste all of the minutes sitting on the phone listening to the irs hold music. either that or just hope that perhaps new york state confiscated my federal refund and that's why I never recieved a check. I don't know. and then there's the question of how to deal with my 2007 taxes. my current plan is to email steve (strand payroll guru) when I get his email address and ask him if he can send me a copy of my w2s. but it would sure be nice, before I file another return, to know what actually happened to my one from last year.